Mirror Time

5.24.10

A lot of mirror time lately… the more I look, the less I like what I see. Over the past few weeks, I have had much time to sit, to think, to pray and ask God to open my eyes to who I have become. And what I saw was not so pretty. I have become this woman that, in all honesty, I despise. From the inside out, there are so many things I would like to change about myself… starting with my heart. Over time, I somehow allowed ugliness, bitterness, jealousy, and several other things to creep in to my heart. I thought everything was going along okay but through a turn of events, my true self has come out and (to put it gently) my true self has so much growing up to do.

I am so thankful for a God who is continually working on me. It gives me hope that not all has been lost on me. I praise Him for the work He has begun and for even allowing me to recognize these issues in my heart. I pray that I would not be bound by the chains of who I have been, or the lies that the Enemy would speak against me. But rather, I praise God because I’m not who I was before. During a song-writing session with a phenomenal song writer, John Sherrill, the most amazing song was born. The lyrics are included below:

CRUCIFIED, I’M ALIVE

I'm not who I was before
I am new
I've been called to so much more

And now it's you I trust alone
And now it's you I'm living for

Crucified
I'm alive in you
Breath of life come and breathe a new song
You make my heart sing
You make my heart sing

Crucified
I have died to me
Son of God you’re my way to freedom
You make my heart sing
You make my heart sing

God my strength is found in you
I believe
Your love held you to the cross

And now to you
And you alone
God it’s you I’m living for

Your salvation and your spirit lives in me
And I will sing, I will sing, ‘cause I’m alive in you…

I wanted to write a song about the verses that meant the most in my life. At that time (and even still), these verses are my story: “I’ve been crucified in Christ and it is no longer I that lives, but Christ who lives within me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loves me and gave Himself for me.” Galations 2:20-21 I’d like to say that I’ve been living like that- in His strength constantly. I have been trying more lately but what I didn’t realize was how long I had spent trying to do it all in my own strength- which is when it all really went downhill. I didn’t kill anyone or rob a bank or cheat on my husband or anything like that, but I have hurt people (unknowingly, and certainly unintentionally). But walking in my own strength, I got in the way of what God was doing and intervened in my own way, causing strife, doubt, anger, and so many other emotions. I am a selfish woman at my core, but I don’t want to be. I want to lay down this heavy burden of self and really, truly, walk in submission to Him. I want to allow Him to work to restore what needs to be restored, and more importantly, I don’t want to live another day in my own strength. I simply cannot do it any longer. I wrote this (intended –to-be-funny) blurb about nine months ago and I’m really starting to see it fleshed out (so-to-speak.)

COTTAGE CHEESE

I never cease to be amazed at how quickly sin can creep in to my life. I am reminded of the time when I was getting dressed and I turned around to get the full affect only to notice IT. Yes folks, IT had made ITS way from somewhere inside of my body (or my refrigerator) to my thighs. My thighs. My only good feature at this point and there IT was, crowding the view of my cute little thighs- IT was the cellulite I referred to as cottage cheese. IT was the now, ever-present reminder of choices I made that were so much less than wise. IT was sitting there, haunting me. As I walked down the street that day, I imagined to myself how everyone surely had to notice that I had cottage cheese now. I mean IT certainly was a shocker to me! But as I walked, no one looked… no one noticed. My own husband didn’t even notice but I did. I still do. I am 30 and this happened last week.

But it’s funny to think about how that cellulite has probably been there for a while, or at least been accumulating for a while and has just now started to become noticeable. It’s like sin. You can be going along just fine for the longest time and one day you look around and have no recollection of how you got to where you are. You are struggling with things you never even realized. You are consumed by the very thing you hate- sin (or in my case, cellulite).

The Bible says the enemy is prowling around like a hungry lion, waiting to devour its prey. Do you think that if the cellulite just showed up one day I might have been a bit more careful, watching what I ate? If I had noticed it when it first started, I probably would have been a bit more cautious, maybe hit the gym a few times, maybe drank a little more water, a little less soda, enjoyed more veggies, fewer slices of cheesecake… My point is this: If sin just showed up and was bold and loud and out there for all to see, we’d fight it harder, faster and not let the enemy win. Unfortunately, like my cellulite, sin digs its roots down deep. The enemy watches you, waits for you, creeps in a little at a time like he did with Eve, and eventually you are consumed.

So what do we do about this? We stand guard- like God’s word says to do- we stand guard, watching and waiting and we take care of ourselves emotionally and physically as to ensure the enemy has absolutely no foothold. We pray for God to reveal sin in our lives and we pray to break the chains (the roots) of that sin.

The enemy comes to steal, to kill, and to destroy- that is his plan. If he can steal your joy, then he has won because joy comes from the Lord. If he can kill a marriage if he can kill your hopes and dreams, then he has won. If he can destroy the plans that God has for you by creeping into your life, into your mind and taking over, then he accomplishes his goal- one person at a time.

But we know how to fight back. We know how to have victory. We know victory belongs to God and not to the enemy, so we diet, so-to-speak. We make ourselves aware of what the enemy is trying to accomplish in our lives and we stand our ground against it. We learn to trust God by surrendering to Him. We suddenly become more conscious of what we put into our minds and what we allow into our homes and our lives. We make a strong concentrated effort to fully trust God and to fight this battle.

I have a young friend whom I dearly love. She has been struggling with some pretty intense things- things I know for sure weren’t even an issue when I was her age. I listen to her speak and my heart just breaks for all of the things I know she is going through. I want to sink back into my chair as I listen and just weep for her. She doesn’t know this but I secretly weep and moan for the struggles she is going through. I cannot imagine what it must be like to be stuck inside that head of hers, constantly surrounded by the lies from the enemy. Then I imagine- she wasn’t always like this, was she? No. I remember meeting her several years ago and she was a bright, bubbly, athletic, easy going, fun, personable, lovable girl. She was always so much fun to be around. And now, she is on the verge of tears and rage at any given moment. She has, over time, allowed the enemy to come in to her life, believing one little thing after another. See if any of these sound familiar to you:
*you aren’t pretty enough, you never will be
*you are too fat
*you are too thin
*you are too loud
*you are too pale
*you are too dark
*you are too plain
*you are too loud
*you are too short
*You are too tall
*you aren’t talented enough
*you aren’t fast enough
*you aren’t strong enough
*nobody likes you
*to get love, you’ll have to (___fill in the blank_____)
*You aren’t worthy of love
*you don’t deserve to be alive
*To feel good/better, you’ll have to (______fill in the blank________)
*you parents don’t love you
*you have no real friends
And the list just goes on and on. Some of those were things I struggled with and currently still struggle with but have learned a great deal as I have prayed through these struggles. But these are things the world tells us and for some reason we believe. God has a completely different perspective on these things.

Wow. I love reading old thoughts because they usually apply to me well after the original thought occurred. In this case- this is most true. I have allowed certain sins (seemingly harmless sins) to creep in to my heart. I have sat back and stood in judgment of people (as IF I, of all people should be judging). I have been a gossip. I have been blind to the truth and have let lies take over my thoughts and ruin friendships (and certain parts of my reputation). I have just been ignorant, foolish, and asleep for way too long- causing a depression I didn’t even see- until now. So how will I fight back? I’ll attempt to lay every single thought down at His feet. I’ll fight back in a way that brings God honor and glory (all self aside). Even when it hurts, I’ll speak the truth in love and I’ll seek to see and love others the way God sees and loves them. I will turn back to my first love and allow Him to love, to love through me. I want to be a fruit bearing plant, so I’ll abide. “I am the vine. You are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in Him, he will bear much fruit- apart from me, he can do NOTHING.” John 15. Yes, I’ll abide and from this moment on, I’ll claim victory in His name, not in my own- no matter what the cost or consequence.

Long Time, No See

So much for blogging every day- or even every month. In my next post, I will share something I wrote a few days ago that tells of where I have been and what I have been going through-ish... the details are vague, but I really got to the point of depression where I excluded everyone and everything so the very last thing I wanted to do during this time was blog. In the mean time, I went through some heavy stuff. I wrestled with the enemy and several times he won the little battles but those battles are nothing compared to the war I know he has waged for my heart. You would think I'd be afraid of this war, especially given all that I have been through, yet I rejoice because I know that war has already been won by my God.

So I'll blog on, sharing with you what I can when I can (meaning, it's possible I will blog daily, but highly unlikely.) :) Thanks for taking your time to read my word vomit. Now down the road I go...