Mirror Time

5.24.10

A lot of mirror time lately… the more I look, the less I like what I see. Over the past few weeks, I have had much time to sit, to think, to pray and ask God to open my eyes to who I have become. And what I saw was not so pretty. I have become this woman that, in all honesty, I despise. From the inside out, there are so many things I would like to change about myself… starting with my heart. Over time, I somehow allowed ugliness, bitterness, jealousy, and several other things to creep in to my heart. I thought everything was going along okay but through a turn of events, my true self has come out and (to put it gently) my true self has so much growing up to do.

I am so thankful for a God who is continually working on me. It gives me hope that not all has been lost on me. I praise Him for the work He has begun and for even allowing me to recognize these issues in my heart. I pray that I would not be bound by the chains of who I have been, or the lies that the Enemy would speak against me. But rather, I praise God because I’m not who I was before. During a song-writing session with a phenomenal song writer, John Sherrill, the most amazing song was born. The lyrics are included below:

CRUCIFIED, I’M ALIVE

I'm not who I was before
I am new
I've been called to so much more

And now it's you I trust alone
And now it's you I'm living for

Crucified
I'm alive in you
Breath of life come and breathe a new song
You make my heart sing
You make my heart sing

Crucified
I have died to me
Son of God you’re my way to freedom
You make my heart sing
You make my heart sing

God my strength is found in you
I believe
Your love held you to the cross

And now to you
And you alone
God it’s you I’m living for

Your salvation and your spirit lives in me
And I will sing, I will sing, ‘cause I’m alive in you…

I wanted to write a song about the verses that meant the most in my life. At that time (and even still), these verses are my story: “I’ve been crucified in Christ and it is no longer I that lives, but Christ who lives within me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loves me and gave Himself for me.” Galations 2:20-21 I’d like to say that I’ve been living like that- in His strength constantly. I have been trying more lately but what I didn’t realize was how long I had spent trying to do it all in my own strength- which is when it all really went downhill. I didn’t kill anyone or rob a bank or cheat on my husband or anything like that, but I have hurt people (unknowingly, and certainly unintentionally). But walking in my own strength, I got in the way of what God was doing and intervened in my own way, causing strife, doubt, anger, and so many other emotions. I am a selfish woman at my core, but I don’t want to be. I want to lay down this heavy burden of self and really, truly, walk in submission to Him. I want to allow Him to work to restore what needs to be restored, and more importantly, I don’t want to live another day in my own strength. I simply cannot do it any longer. I wrote this (intended –to-be-funny) blurb about nine months ago and I’m really starting to see it fleshed out (so-to-speak.)

COTTAGE CHEESE

I never cease to be amazed at how quickly sin can creep in to my life. I am reminded of the time when I was getting dressed and I turned around to get the full affect only to notice IT. Yes folks, IT had made ITS way from somewhere inside of my body (or my refrigerator) to my thighs. My thighs. My only good feature at this point and there IT was, crowding the view of my cute little thighs- IT was the cellulite I referred to as cottage cheese. IT was the now, ever-present reminder of choices I made that were so much less than wise. IT was sitting there, haunting me. As I walked down the street that day, I imagined to myself how everyone surely had to notice that I had cottage cheese now. I mean IT certainly was a shocker to me! But as I walked, no one looked… no one noticed. My own husband didn’t even notice but I did. I still do. I am 30 and this happened last week.

But it’s funny to think about how that cellulite has probably been there for a while, or at least been accumulating for a while and has just now started to become noticeable. It’s like sin. You can be going along just fine for the longest time and one day you look around and have no recollection of how you got to where you are. You are struggling with things you never even realized. You are consumed by the very thing you hate- sin (or in my case, cellulite).

The Bible says the enemy is prowling around like a hungry lion, waiting to devour its prey. Do you think that if the cellulite just showed up one day I might have been a bit more careful, watching what I ate? If I had noticed it when it first started, I probably would have been a bit more cautious, maybe hit the gym a few times, maybe drank a little more water, a little less soda, enjoyed more veggies, fewer slices of cheesecake… My point is this: If sin just showed up and was bold and loud and out there for all to see, we’d fight it harder, faster and not let the enemy win. Unfortunately, like my cellulite, sin digs its roots down deep. The enemy watches you, waits for you, creeps in a little at a time like he did with Eve, and eventually you are consumed.

So what do we do about this? We stand guard- like God’s word says to do- we stand guard, watching and waiting and we take care of ourselves emotionally and physically as to ensure the enemy has absolutely no foothold. We pray for God to reveal sin in our lives and we pray to break the chains (the roots) of that sin.

The enemy comes to steal, to kill, and to destroy- that is his plan. If he can steal your joy, then he has won because joy comes from the Lord. If he can kill a marriage if he can kill your hopes and dreams, then he has won. If he can destroy the plans that God has for you by creeping into your life, into your mind and taking over, then he accomplishes his goal- one person at a time.

But we know how to fight back. We know how to have victory. We know victory belongs to God and not to the enemy, so we diet, so-to-speak. We make ourselves aware of what the enemy is trying to accomplish in our lives and we stand our ground against it. We learn to trust God by surrendering to Him. We suddenly become more conscious of what we put into our minds and what we allow into our homes and our lives. We make a strong concentrated effort to fully trust God and to fight this battle.

I have a young friend whom I dearly love. She has been struggling with some pretty intense things- things I know for sure weren’t even an issue when I was her age. I listen to her speak and my heart just breaks for all of the things I know she is going through. I want to sink back into my chair as I listen and just weep for her. She doesn’t know this but I secretly weep and moan for the struggles she is going through. I cannot imagine what it must be like to be stuck inside that head of hers, constantly surrounded by the lies from the enemy. Then I imagine- she wasn’t always like this, was she? No. I remember meeting her several years ago and she was a bright, bubbly, athletic, easy going, fun, personable, lovable girl. She was always so much fun to be around. And now, she is on the verge of tears and rage at any given moment. She has, over time, allowed the enemy to come in to her life, believing one little thing after another. See if any of these sound familiar to you:
*you aren’t pretty enough, you never will be
*you are too fat
*you are too thin
*you are too loud
*you are too pale
*you are too dark
*you are too plain
*you are too loud
*you are too short
*You are too tall
*you aren’t talented enough
*you aren’t fast enough
*you aren’t strong enough
*nobody likes you
*to get love, you’ll have to (___fill in the blank_____)
*You aren’t worthy of love
*you don’t deserve to be alive
*To feel good/better, you’ll have to (______fill in the blank________)
*you parents don’t love you
*you have no real friends
And the list just goes on and on. Some of those were things I struggled with and currently still struggle with but have learned a great deal as I have prayed through these struggles. But these are things the world tells us and for some reason we believe. God has a completely different perspective on these things.

Wow. I love reading old thoughts because they usually apply to me well after the original thought occurred. In this case- this is most true. I have allowed certain sins (seemingly harmless sins) to creep in to my heart. I have sat back and stood in judgment of people (as IF I, of all people should be judging). I have been a gossip. I have been blind to the truth and have let lies take over my thoughts and ruin friendships (and certain parts of my reputation). I have just been ignorant, foolish, and asleep for way too long- causing a depression I didn’t even see- until now. So how will I fight back? I’ll attempt to lay every single thought down at His feet. I’ll fight back in a way that brings God honor and glory (all self aside). Even when it hurts, I’ll speak the truth in love and I’ll seek to see and love others the way God sees and loves them. I will turn back to my first love and allow Him to love, to love through me. I want to be a fruit bearing plant, so I’ll abide. “I am the vine. You are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in Him, he will bear much fruit- apart from me, he can do NOTHING.” John 15. Yes, I’ll abide and from this moment on, I’ll claim victory in His name, not in my own- no matter what the cost or consequence.

Long Time, No See

So much for blogging every day- or even every month. In my next post, I will share something I wrote a few days ago that tells of where I have been and what I have been going through-ish... the details are vague, but I really got to the point of depression where I excluded everyone and everything so the very last thing I wanted to do during this time was blog. In the mean time, I went through some heavy stuff. I wrestled with the enemy and several times he won the little battles but those battles are nothing compared to the war I know he has waged for my heart. You would think I'd be afraid of this war, especially given all that I have been through, yet I rejoice because I know that war has already been won by my God.

So I'll blog on, sharing with you what I can when I can (meaning, it's possible I will blog daily, but highly unlikely.) :) Thanks for taking your time to read my word vomit. Now down the road I go...

Self- Realization

Ya, so I've been gone. I think I was avoiding blogging. I had a self-realization meeting (that's where you sit with yourself in a room and you re-evaluate everything in the world over the course of a week or so). So that's where I have been.

What have I learned during this time?

1- I don't know everything. Not that I thought I did, but I think I had become a little "wise-in-my-own-eyes" and that "wisdom" was actually doing more harm than good. So rather than turning to my own understanding, I am leaning on Him and His word. NO LONGER I.

2- I am not the greatest writer. I think I have a story to share, but I don't think I have all of the tools necessary to write the way I want to, so I think I will do some research and take some classes on communication and on writing so that I can do this book in such a way that God would be honored and glorified. NO LONGER I.

3- I'm pretty selfish. In conversation, in life, in general. I'm very selfish and have lived a very selfish life. I don't want to be this person any more. I want to be a better listener. I want to be a more generous giver. I want to be so much more about others than about my self. I want to pour out my life into the lives of others (including, but most definitely not limited to my precious angels and my hot husband). NO LONGER I.

4- I am my own worst critic. I have a friend, who, right now would be telling me I'm being too hard on her self. And to some degree, in some areas, she'd be correct. But in some areas, I am being real and I need to be real. But in this area, I need work. The balance between being too hard on my self and being real is a fine line, but I think I am starting to figure it out and I couldn't be happier. I am starting to see who I am in Christ (and starting to love that person, genuinely). I am finally recognizing that some of my flaws are my fault and only I can make the decision to change them and only God can give me the power to change them. So what does this mean? Great news- I am not bound by my name. I do not have to become the person I was on the road to becoming. God has set me free from that bondage and I choose not to be her any longer. NO LONGER I.

More of what I have learned tomorrow. :)

Redemption Day?

This morning as I was riding in to work on the bus, I found my self lost, staring out the window. For a time, the sky appeared to be holding the sunrise in, but then as if setting itself free, the sun seemed to burst forth into the sky, creating a hue of oranges and pinks and purples that is thus far, unmatched in my memory bank. I found myself hypnotized as I was captured by this beautiful picture my God was painting. The picture I am showing is similar, but not the exact picture of what I saw this morning- which left me nearly speechless.

So as I was staring out the window and listening to the local radio station on my Walkman, a woman called in to the station and was excited to share that she and her kids had been discussing the possibility of the sunrise being a sign from God that He might be coming back today. The DJs were pleased with this thought and both said something to the effect of "I'm ready!" But not me. I became a little saddened at the thought. I thought to my self "there's so much I want to do before He comes back. I want to see my children graduate and see them get married and play with all of my grand babies. I want to accomplish this or that..."

But then I realized I was suddenly very sad for my current state of mind. I wish I was as excited as that woman to go home and live forever in Heaven with Jesus. I wish I was not living for this world, but this morning showed me I really am. I don't want to live for this world- I want to store up my treasures in Heaven. Far too often I find myself lost in thoughts and dreams about our future- thoughts that don't include Jesus coming back early. I want to become elated with that thought. I want to find myself passionately pursuing a life that is waiting for the day Jesus returns to take me home.

So how will I change this? The song currently playing on my Pandora is a perfect example: Chris Tomlin- Take My Life and Let It Be. I will find myself in a state of surrender. I will constantly and consistently lay down the thoughts of self- thoughts that are for this world and I will pray to God to make me new from the inside out.

Click on the link and listen to the words: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0Byp7aK2DA

Take my life and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.

Take my moments and my days,let them flow in ceaseless praise.

Take my hands and let them move at the impulse of Thy love.

Take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice and let me sing always, only for my King.

Take my lips and let them be filled with messages from Thee.

Take my silver and my gold not a mite would I withhold.

Take my intellect and use every power as You choose.

Here am I, all of me.Take my life, it's all for Thee.

Take my will and make it Thine it shall be no longer mine.

Take my heart it is Thine own it shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord I pour at Your feet its treasure store.

Take myself and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.

Take myself and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.

Here am I, all of me.Take my life, it's all for Thee.

Take my life, Lord take my life. Take all of me

Here am I, all of me.Take my life, it's all for Thee.

Amen.

Not Much To Say...

I wish I could share that I'd had some huge epiphany over the past day, but clearly this is not the case. I actually feel pretty disgusting right now so that's the only thing on my mind at this point. I should probably mention, however, that last night was one of the most precious nights/ one of the worst nights ever. Since day one of this blog, I have had a different attitude towards my kids. I am noticeably more patient and more outwardly loving. So I was as sick as a dog last night and my two oldest children are caring for me (because they are awesome) and my daughter looks at me and says "You are the bestest mommy I have ever had." I was simply brushing her hair. Nothing extraordinary. I wasn't buying her gifts or anything- just brushing her hair and she turned around to bless me. I loved it! Then she and my oldest son decided to read me books while I was curled up in the bathtub.

For a moment I pondered what I had done to deserve such wonderful children and then I realized I hadn't done anything- God gave them to me as a blessing and because I was making the right choices to love them, they were, in turn, blessing me. I loved that time with them and I look forward to many more opportunities like that with them.

Aside from that, there hasn't been anything too terribly life-altering. I am realizing more and more that I wish I could spend more time in prayer. I heard something on the radio today that struck me. A woman was talking about her time with God and mentioned how she didn't HAVE to spend that time with God. In fact, she had to plan that time with God to make it happen. But she did notice when she spent some intentional time loving on, learning from, just being with her creator, then she was more patient, more loving, and the characteristics of Christ infiltrated her very core and the core of all of the relationships with her family.

So it makes me wonder- what if I made intentional time with my creator more often? What if I didn't just assume I'd pray when I could? What if I actually had a designated quiet time like I did the other day when my children were irritating me? I have seen the long term effects of that one time this week... now, I'd love to see the long term effects of a daily walk with my creator.

Oops.

So, there was no post yesterday from me. So much for posting 365 days this year. :) How about we agree that I will stick to that as closely as possible? What did you miss yesterday? Not much. I nagged my husband in the morning because I was having a mood swing and I vowed to work on this. I nagged again later that day with no huge revelation. I did tons of housework, with the husband's very selfless help, and then we put our kids to bed. In spite of it being an ordinary day, I still wanted to give you an update. I was excited that my attitude towards my kids was still different from the day before. I was, however, disappointed by my attitude towards the hottie (that's my husband's nickname... trust me- one look and you'd agree). :)

Then I realized I didn't really make time for prayer yesterday. Nor did I make time to dive into the Word. So it's no wonder I didn't make time to blog. I felt disgusting inside and out yesterday and was trying to do everything in my own strength rather than turning to God. Perhaps today will be a better day. I am back at work (in spite of feeling like I want to hurl all over everything and everybody) and I have created an atmosphere conducive to worship and prayer. I'll check back in later today. As for now... let's just say I could use a little quiet time. :)

A New Day, A New Mom

As far as moms go, I'd say I'm pretty average. I know we are our own worst critics, but in this particular area, I really think I could do better. For instance- this morning, like most mornings, I was awakened at an unnatural hour by the typical early morning visit from my daughter who came to announce that the baby (Jacob) was awake. This is the part of my morning I dread most. When the big kids wake up, they can entertain and feed themselves. But when Jacob wakes up I know it's the last call for my eyelid studies. By this time, I know that my day has to officially begin. So this is how my morning went:



I got the baby changed and then I fed all three kids and laid back down (because I'm in the first trimester of my fourth pregnancy, not sleeping well, and just exhausted). I let my husband entertain them for an hour so I could keep my eyes closed just a little longer. Then my husband had to leave to go to work so I had to crawl out of bed- which took an act of God today. I made my way to the couch where I could not seem to function. I sat in a vegetable state for another hour or so and finally managed the energy to get something to eat so I could kick the morning sickness.



During that hour, all three of my children attempted to interact with me. During that hour, I chose to ignore all three of them at some point... and then it hit me. I realized that I wouldn't be getting this time with them back. I realized this was my one day during the week where I had no obligations, no errands, no commitments of any kind EXCEPT to be mom. None-the-less, I couldn't shake the ever-present attitude. I was barking orders and maintained the chip on my shoulder for the majority of the morning- as if to say to them "I'll show you... that's right... don't wake me up early again." And then I realized- I wasn't showing them anything at all, except, perhaps, that mommy wasn't being a very good mommy at all.



And the phrase kept popping into my head- NO LONGER I. I am not the mom I want to be. And I can never become that person on my own. I deeply love my children, but something gets lost in the translation of that love for them. And far too often, something seems to be missing in the way that I relate to them. So I stopped, and I prayed. And I maintained an attitude of prayer. Did anything change right away? Not really. Over time... yes. My heart was softened for my children. My desire became to show them love, rather than to prove my point to them. And then, instead of focusing on housework and "to-do"s, I was able to stop and focus on listening to them, playing with them, loving them.



I know it's not all going to magically just be perfect. I know my kids will irritate me and I know I will lose it on occasion. But I also recognize now that I have a choice. I can seek God and allow Him to transform me as a mom, or I can keep trying to do it on my own. Clearly, this "doing-it-on-my-own thing" isn't working out so well for me... so I think I'll keep trying this "surrender- thing".

"For I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me...."