A New Day, A New Mom

As far as moms go, I'd say I'm pretty average. I know we are our own worst critics, but in this particular area, I really think I could do better. For instance- this morning, like most mornings, I was awakened at an unnatural hour by the typical early morning visit from my daughter who came to announce that the baby (Jacob) was awake. This is the part of my morning I dread most. When the big kids wake up, they can entertain and feed themselves. But when Jacob wakes up I know it's the last call for my eyelid studies. By this time, I know that my day has to officially begin. So this is how my morning went:



I got the baby changed and then I fed all three kids and laid back down (because I'm in the first trimester of my fourth pregnancy, not sleeping well, and just exhausted). I let my husband entertain them for an hour so I could keep my eyes closed just a little longer. Then my husband had to leave to go to work so I had to crawl out of bed- which took an act of God today. I made my way to the couch where I could not seem to function. I sat in a vegetable state for another hour or so and finally managed the energy to get something to eat so I could kick the morning sickness.



During that hour, all three of my children attempted to interact with me. During that hour, I chose to ignore all three of them at some point... and then it hit me. I realized that I wouldn't be getting this time with them back. I realized this was my one day during the week where I had no obligations, no errands, no commitments of any kind EXCEPT to be mom. None-the-less, I couldn't shake the ever-present attitude. I was barking orders and maintained the chip on my shoulder for the majority of the morning- as if to say to them "I'll show you... that's right... don't wake me up early again." And then I realized- I wasn't showing them anything at all, except, perhaps, that mommy wasn't being a very good mommy at all.



And the phrase kept popping into my head- NO LONGER I. I am not the mom I want to be. And I can never become that person on my own. I deeply love my children, but something gets lost in the translation of that love for them. And far too often, something seems to be missing in the way that I relate to them. So I stopped, and I prayed. And I maintained an attitude of prayer. Did anything change right away? Not really. Over time... yes. My heart was softened for my children. My desire became to show them love, rather than to prove my point to them. And then, instead of focusing on housework and "to-do"s, I was able to stop and focus on listening to them, playing with them, loving them.



I know it's not all going to magically just be perfect. I know my kids will irritate me and I know I will lose it on occasion. But I also recognize now that I have a choice. I can seek God and allow Him to transform me as a mom, or I can keep trying to do it on my own. Clearly, this "doing-it-on-my-own thing" isn't working out so well for me... so I think I'll keep trying this "surrender- thing".

"For I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me...."