Self- Realization

Ya, so I've been gone. I think I was avoiding blogging. I had a self-realization meeting (that's where you sit with yourself in a room and you re-evaluate everything in the world over the course of a week or so). So that's where I have been.

What have I learned during this time?

1- I don't know everything. Not that I thought I did, but I think I had become a little "wise-in-my-own-eyes" and that "wisdom" was actually doing more harm than good. So rather than turning to my own understanding, I am leaning on Him and His word. NO LONGER I.

2- I am not the greatest writer. I think I have a story to share, but I don't think I have all of the tools necessary to write the way I want to, so I think I will do some research and take some classes on communication and on writing so that I can do this book in such a way that God would be honored and glorified. NO LONGER I.

3- I'm pretty selfish. In conversation, in life, in general. I'm very selfish and have lived a very selfish life. I don't want to be this person any more. I want to be a better listener. I want to be a more generous giver. I want to be so much more about others than about my self. I want to pour out my life into the lives of others (including, but most definitely not limited to my precious angels and my hot husband). NO LONGER I.

4- I am my own worst critic. I have a friend, who, right now would be telling me I'm being too hard on her self. And to some degree, in some areas, she'd be correct. But in some areas, I am being real and I need to be real. But in this area, I need work. The balance between being too hard on my self and being real is a fine line, but I think I am starting to figure it out and I couldn't be happier. I am starting to see who I am in Christ (and starting to love that person, genuinely). I am finally recognizing that some of my flaws are my fault and only I can make the decision to change them and only God can give me the power to change them. So what does this mean? Great news- I am not bound by my name. I do not have to become the person I was on the road to becoming. God has set me free from that bondage and I choose not to be her any longer. NO LONGER I.

More of what I have learned tomorrow. :)

Redemption Day?

This morning as I was riding in to work on the bus, I found my self lost, staring out the window. For a time, the sky appeared to be holding the sunrise in, but then as if setting itself free, the sun seemed to burst forth into the sky, creating a hue of oranges and pinks and purples that is thus far, unmatched in my memory bank. I found myself hypnotized as I was captured by this beautiful picture my God was painting. The picture I am showing is similar, but not the exact picture of what I saw this morning- which left me nearly speechless.

So as I was staring out the window and listening to the local radio station on my Walkman, a woman called in to the station and was excited to share that she and her kids had been discussing the possibility of the sunrise being a sign from God that He might be coming back today. The DJs were pleased with this thought and both said something to the effect of "I'm ready!" But not me. I became a little saddened at the thought. I thought to my self "there's so much I want to do before He comes back. I want to see my children graduate and see them get married and play with all of my grand babies. I want to accomplish this or that..."

But then I realized I was suddenly very sad for my current state of mind. I wish I was as excited as that woman to go home and live forever in Heaven with Jesus. I wish I was not living for this world, but this morning showed me I really am. I don't want to live for this world- I want to store up my treasures in Heaven. Far too often I find myself lost in thoughts and dreams about our future- thoughts that don't include Jesus coming back early. I want to become elated with that thought. I want to find myself passionately pursuing a life that is waiting for the day Jesus returns to take me home.

So how will I change this? The song currently playing on my Pandora is a perfect example: Chris Tomlin- Take My Life and Let It Be. I will find myself in a state of surrender. I will constantly and consistently lay down the thoughts of self- thoughts that are for this world and I will pray to God to make me new from the inside out.

Click on the link and listen to the words: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0Byp7aK2DA

Take my life and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.

Take my moments and my days,let them flow in ceaseless praise.

Take my hands and let them move at the impulse of Thy love.

Take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice and let me sing always, only for my King.

Take my lips and let them be filled with messages from Thee.

Take my silver and my gold not a mite would I withhold.

Take my intellect and use every power as You choose.

Here am I, all of me.Take my life, it's all for Thee.

Take my will and make it Thine it shall be no longer mine.

Take my heart it is Thine own it shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord I pour at Your feet its treasure store.

Take myself and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.

Take myself and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.

Here am I, all of me.Take my life, it's all for Thee.

Take my life, Lord take my life. Take all of me

Here am I, all of me.Take my life, it's all for Thee.

Amen.

Not Much To Say...

I wish I could share that I'd had some huge epiphany over the past day, but clearly this is not the case. I actually feel pretty disgusting right now so that's the only thing on my mind at this point. I should probably mention, however, that last night was one of the most precious nights/ one of the worst nights ever. Since day one of this blog, I have had a different attitude towards my kids. I am noticeably more patient and more outwardly loving. So I was as sick as a dog last night and my two oldest children are caring for me (because they are awesome) and my daughter looks at me and says "You are the bestest mommy I have ever had." I was simply brushing her hair. Nothing extraordinary. I wasn't buying her gifts or anything- just brushing her hair and she turned around to bless me. I loved it! Then she and my oldest son decided to read me books while I was curled up in the bathtub.

For a moment I pondered what I had done to deserve such wonderful children and then I realized I hadn't done anything- God gave them to me as a blessing and because I was making the right choices to love them, they were, in turn, blessing me. I loved that time with them and I look forward to many more opportunities like that with them.

Aside from that, there hasn't been anything too terribly life-altering. I am realizing more and more that I wish I could spend more time in prayer. I heard something on the radio today that struck me. A woman was talking about her time with God and mentioned how she didn't HAVE to spend that time with God. In fact, she had to plan that time with God to make it happen. But she did notice when she spent some intentional time loving on, learning from, just being with her creator, then she was more patient, more loving, and the characteristics of Christ infiltrated her very core and the core of all of the relationships with her family.

So it makes me wonder- what if I made intentional time with my creator more often? What if I didn't just assume I'd pray when I could? What if I actually had a designated quiet time like I did the other day when my children were irritating me? I have seen the long term effects of that one time this week... now, I'd love to see the long term effects of a daily walk with my creator.

Oops.

So, there was no post yesterday from me. So much for posting 365 days this year. :) How about we agree that I will stick to that as closely as possible? What did you miss yesterday? Not much. I nagged my husband in the morning because I was having a mood swing and I vowed to work on this. I nagged again later that day with no huge revelation. I did tons of housework, with the husband's very selfless help, and then we put our kids to bed. In spite of it being an ordinary day, I still wanted to give you an update. I was excited that my attitude towards my kids was still different from the day before. I was, however, disappointed by my attitude towards the hottie (that's my husband's nickname... trust me- one look and you'd agree). :)

Then I realized I didn't really make time for prayer yesterday. Nor did I make time to dive into the Word. So it's no wonder I didn't make time to blog. I felt disgusting inside and out yesterday and was trying to do everything in my own strength rather than turning to God. Perhaps today will be a better day. I am back at work (in spite of feeling like I want to hurl all over everything and everybody) and I have created an atmosphere conducive to worship and prayer. I'll check back in later today. As for now... let's just say I could use a little quiet time. :)

A New Day, A New Mom

As far as moms go, I'd say I'm pretty average. I know we are our own worst critics, but in this particular area, I really think I could do better. For instance- this morning, like most mornings, I was awakened at an unnatural hour by the typical early morning visit from my daughter who came to announce that the baby (Jacob) was awake. This is the part of my morning I dread most. When the big kids wake up, they can entertain and feed themselves. But when Jacob wakes up I know it's the last call for my eyelid studies. By this time, I know that my day has to officially begin. So this is how my morning went:



I got the baby changed and then I fed all three kids and laid back down (because I'm in the first trimester of my fourth pregnancy, not sleeping well, and just exhausted). I let my husband entertain them for an hour so I could keep my eyes closed just a little longer. Then my husband had to leave to go to work so I had to crawl out of bed- which took an act of God today. I made my way to the couch where I could not seem to function. I sat in a vegetable state for another hour or so and finally managed the energy to get something to eat so I could kick the morning sickness.



During that hour, all three of my children attempted to interact with me. During that hour, I chose to ignore all three of them at some point... and then it hit me. I realized that I wouldn't be getting this time with them back. I realized this was my one day during the week where I had no obligations, no errands, no commitments of any kind EXCEPT to be mom. None-the-less, I couldn't shake the ever-present attitude. I was barking orders and maintained the chip on my shoulder for the majority of the morning- as if to say to them "I'll show you... that's right... don't wake me up early again." And then I realized- I wasn't showing them anything at all, except, perhaps, that mommy wasn't being a very good mommy at all.



And the phrase kept popping into my head- NO LONGER I. I am not the mom I want to be. And I can never become that person on my own. I deeply love my children, but something gets lost in the translation of that love for them. And far too often, something seems to be missing in the way that I relate to them. So I stopped, and I prayed. And I maintained an attitude of prayer. Did anything change right away? Not really. Over time... yes. My heart was softened for my children. My desire became to show them love, rather than to prove my point to them. And then, instead of focusing on housework and "to-do"s, I was able to stop and focus on listening to them, playing with them, loving them.



I know it's not all going to magically just be perfect. I know my kids will irritate me and I know I will lose it on occasion. But I also recognize now that I have a choice. I can seek God and allow Him to transform me as a mom, or I can keep trying to do it on my own. Clearly, this "doing-it-on-my-own thing" isn't working out so well for me... so I think I'll keep trying this "surrender- thing".

"For I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me...."

NO LONGER I- A one-year journey to living in His strength

So perhaps you are thinking- this girl needs some lessons in grammar. I mean, who says things like "no longer I"? And what does it mean anyway? An older version of one of my favorite scriptures out of the Bible is read this way: "For I have been crucified with Christ and it is NO LONGER I that lives, but Christ who lives within me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the son of God who loves me and gave Himself for me." (Galations 2:20-21)

So why name an entire blog after that one phrase? It's my new year's resolution, my life goal, really. To live as one who has been crucified in Christ, that His power may live through me. Basically, I've tried to live on my own for thirty unsuccessful years. I keep coming back to the same place- disappointment, failure, let down after let down, and frustration. I have learned that I can live a hundred years and never fully know the joy and the peace God has laid out for my life unless I start to live a life that is fully surrendered to Him.

So what does this look like? Over the next year, we'll explore that very thing. I am going to aim to blog once a day every day for at least the next year- even if that means I only write a few words of frustration or fear or exhaustion. I am going to be fully transparent and allow you to see God transform me from a strongly independent woman walking in her own strength, to the woman He created me to be- fully free from the bondage of the side effects of living in my own strength.

Will it be easy? Not so much. I fully expect to become frustrated, emotionally and mentally drained. I expect the enemy will attack me from every angle. I expect that there will be dry periods when I do not feel like God is working in me at all, but I will press on and I will document every step. Why? I'm not sure, really, except that this has been my greatest struggle for the majority of my adult life and I feel like if God can help me overcome it, I should share it with others so that they, too might be able to walk in freedom and victory.

I think that the greatest accomplishment I will ever have, will be dying to myself. Day 1- January 1, 2010: the journey has begun.